babycakes: pregnancy journals no. 2
Whew! Time just seems to be flying by! It seems like just yesterday we were announcing our pregnancy and now we are just about 3.5 months away from meeting Rowan. The past week or so has been really difficult as I've been extremely exhausted. I'm not sure if I'm fighting off sickness or if it's just the normal fatigue from Rowan growing, but it's definitely got me off my game. I've been really hoping to finish painting the rest of the house before he comes and I hope I can accomplish that goal in the next month or so!
I've been feeling Rowan kicking constantly this past month! He seems to be one active little boy. At my last appointment, the doctor took almost 10 minutes to get his heartbeat because every time he would find it, Rowan would move! Haha. Little booger. I'm measuring on time and Rowan is still looking healthy - just sitting very low which is beginning to cause me a lot of pain in my groin and back. I've been practicing some stretching techniques to help.
As I'm nearing the end of my 2nd trimester, I've noticed myself struggling with some anxiety. A lot of it is just hormonal (and let's be real - my husband Drew could probably do an entire post series about dealing with my crazy hormones... haha), but either way, I've been fighting against my fear of loosing Rowan. I think my heart understands how many mommies have lost their little ones - either before or after birth - and it's a very emotional and extremely sad reality. It makes me anxious and "mama-bear" protective and like I might go insane. I can't imagine what those moms have gone through and, frankly, I don't want to. I highly doubt anyone on this planet wants to. But, despite my desire to avoid these thoughts, I feel myself begin to drown in the emotions of what they might have experienced and dreaming for weeks about it happening to us. I wake up from restless nights of sleep over and over again.
And then one morning it hits me... I'm not in control.
And, at first, I feel even more anxiety. And my fists clench up as if they are trying to hang on desperately to the control. But slowly, as I think about those words, I realize there is nothing I can hang on to. I'm not in control... I literally am not capable of controlling this situation... and I will never be able to. And as this reality sets in and marinates in my mind, my fists and heart un-clench a little.
And then the truth hits me... but God is in control.
He knows what is going to happen. And no matter what, He will use it to draw me closer to Himself and bring Him glory, which is ultimately what I desire more than anything on this earth. And I exhale. And my fists relax. And my heart softens and opens up to what God has planned for me. And I begin to realize that this is just the beginning of becoming a parent.
I know I'm probably going to clench my fists, anxiously seeking a false sense of control for a lot of my life as a parent, but hopefully over time I will learn to keep my hands open to God instead of clenched. I think this is true whenever you love someone or have been given a good gift - you want to hold onto it with everything you have. But what I'm realizing is that if I hold on too tightly to what God has blessed me with, I am loving His gifts more than Himself. And, although I will love Rowan more than I can even imagine -- and God wants me to love him like that -- I should not love him more than his Creator.
I've been feeling Rowan kicking constantly this past month! He seems to be one active little boy. At my last appointment, the doctor took almost 10 minutes to get his heartbeat because every time he would find it, Rowan would move! Haha. Little booger. I'm measuring on time and Rowan is still looking healthy - just sitting very low which is beginning to cause me a lot of pain in my groin and back. I've been practicing some stretching techniques to help.
As I'm nearing the end of my 2nd trimester, I've noticed myself struggling with some anxiety. A lot of it is just hormonal (and let's be real - my husband Drew could probably do an entire post series about dealing with my crazy hormones... haha), but either way, I've been fighting against my fear of loosing Rowan. I think my heart understands how many mommies have lost their little ones - either before or after birth - and it's a very emotional and extremely sad reality. It makes me anxious and "mama-bear" protective and like I might go insane. I can't imagine what those moms have gone through and, frankly, I don't want to. I highly doubt anyone on this planet wants to. But, despite my desire to avoid these thoughts, I feel myself begin to drown in the emotions of what they might have experienced and dreaming for weeks about it happening to us. I wake up from restless nights of sleep over and over again.
And then one morning it hits me... I'm not in control.
And, at first, I feel even more anxiety. And my fists clench up as if they are trying to hang on desperately to the control. But slowly, as I think about those words, I realize there is nothing I can hang on to. I'm not in control... I literally am not capable of controlling this situation... and I will never be able to. And as this reality sets in and marinates in my mind, my fists and heart un-clench a little.
And then the truth hits me... but God is in control.
He knows what is going to happen. And no matter what, He will use it to draw me closer to Himself and bring Him glory, which is ultimately what I desire more than anything on this earth. And I exhale. And my fists relax. And my heart softens and opens up to what God has planned for me. And I begin to realize that this is just the beginning of becoming a parent.
I know I'm probably going to clench my fists, anxiously seeking a false sense of control for a lot of my life as a parent, but hopefully over time I will learn to keep my hands open to God instead of clenched. I think this is true whenever you love someone or have been given a good gift - you want to hold onto it with everything you have. But what I'm realizing is that if I hold on too tightly to what God has blessed me with, I am loving His gifts more than Himself. And, although I will love Rowan more than I can even imagine -- and God wants me to love him like that -- I should not love him more than his Creator.