from the husband: our first year of marriage
Today is my parents' 20th anniversary. Last year, I told you a little bit about their story. Since Drew's and my anniversary is in June, I've been wanting to ask Drew about his thoughts on our first year of marriage. So I did. And here is his response.
Howdy, blog fans! It's me again. For about a month now Jenny has been asking me for another 'From the Husband' post and at first I told her I would get it to her no problem. Then she asked me to write out my reflections on our first year of marriage... Okay... hum... (She never makes this easy for me). You married folks out there know exactly what i'm talking about.
For you out there who haven't yet tied the knot, let me tell you one of the most true things you'll ever hear about marriage. Now I don't care if you're married and you're Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Morman, spiritual, Agnostic, atheist, or undecided. Marriage is HARD. Let me say that again for all the people in the back, marriage is hard. It is the single most difficult task I, and possibly mankind, has ever undertaken.
The fact is marriage is hard because it requires change. And if by me saying 'change' you think "Oh good, well if they would just change X then our relationship will get back on track." or "I sure have been ready for a change so marriage sounds like the ticket!" or "They would be perfect if they changed this." then you are mistaken. What I have found in our first year of marriage is that any time there is any problem it is an opportunity to change myself first. There is always an equal opportunity for Jenny to change as well, but it is not my place or my right to point that out. The best thing one could do for oneself or for one's marriage is to seek the change that is required within oneself first and then that change will inspire change in one's partner.
As many of you know, living with somebody day in and day out is completely different then dating them, no matter how serious the relationship. After Jenny and I were married and began living together we both had to make a lot of adjustments. One thing that drove me up the wall was her hair! Now don't get me wrong I love the hair that is on her head, but there is a quick and sudden change in my heart once it leaves her lovely crown. Little strands turned up EVERYWHERE! They were in the bed, the shower, the rug, the sink, the drains, and even my clothes. In fact one day at work I had this little pestering tickle on my thigh that would keep coming back. Later that day upon going to the restroom I discovered a delicate brunette hair that had gotten tangled with my 'underclothes' from the static electricity from our dryer.
On my way home I was thinking to myself, "Oh, I'm gonna tell her!" and "This is just what I need to get her to get this under control!" Well it was then that I realized that I was an idiot. (Spoiler alert: This happens a lot. Me discovering I'm an idiot, that is. This is another regular part of marriage, mostly for men, that perhaps can be covered in a different post). I realized that I am a little hyper-sensitive to these little hairs. Seriously I can spot one across the room. It's like 'Spidey Sense' but a lot more useless. It then slowly became clear to me that the right thing to do was not to 'let her have it' and demand she account for all her hair, but for me to serve her by vacuuming and cleaning the drains, shower, and sink. By doing this it not only helps mitigate the hairpocalypse but it creates an environment of loving service where she will be able to change. Ultimately we will be serving each other better the more we change and loving one another the way we were intended.
All of this is my way of saying that marriage is hard. It is a constant denial of the self and our own desires so that we can love and serve the other. No other model truly works as well. If we both focus on getting the other to do what we want, then nobody will be giving and we will both be left empty. But living with love and a heart geared towards service, while being so difficult, is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It helps my love for Jenny grow and helps me become more like the man I hope to be.
Howdy, blog fans! It's me again. For about a month now Jenny has been asking me for another 'From the Husband' post and at first I told her I would get it to her no problem. Then she asked me to write out my reflections on our first year of marriage... Okay... hum... (She never makes this easy for me). You married folks out there know exactly what i'm talking about.
For you out there who haven't yet tied the knot, let me tell you one of the most true things you'll ever hear about marriage. Now I don't care if you're married and you're Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Morman, spiritual, Agnostic, atheist, or undecided. Marriage is HARD. Let me say that again for all the people in the back, marriage is hard. It is the single most difficult task I, and possibly mankind, has ever undertaken.
The fact is marriage is hard because it requires change. And if by me saying 'change' you think "Oh good, well if they would just change X then our relationship will get back on track." or "I sure have been ready for a change so marriage sounds like the ticket!" or "They would be perfect if they changed this." then you are mistaken. What I have found in our first year of marriage is that any time there is any problem it is an opportunity to change myself first. There is always an equal opportunity for Jenny to change as well, but it is not my place or my right to point that out. The best thing one could do for oneself or for one's marriage is to seek the change that is required within oneself first and then that change will inspire change in one's partner.
As many of you know, living with somebody day in and day out is completely different then dating them, no matter how serious the relationship. After Jenny and I were married and began living together we both had to make a lot of adjustments. One thing that drove me up the wall was her hair! Now don't get me wrong I love the hair that is on her head, but there is a quick and sudden change in my heart once it leaves her lovely crown. Little strands turned up EVERYWHERE! They were in the bed, the shower, the rug, the sink, the drains, and even my clothes. In fact one day at work I had this little pestering tickle on my thigh that would keep coming back. Later that day upon going to the restroom I discovered a delicate brunette hair that had gotten tangled with my 'underclothes' from the static electricity from our dryer.
On my way home I was thinking to myself, "Oh, I'm gonna tell her!" and "This is just what I need to get her to get this under control!" Well it was then that I realized that I was an idiot. (Spoiler alert: This happens a lot. Me discovering I'm an idiot, that is. This is another regular part of marriage, mostly for men, that perhaps can be covered in a different post). I realized that I am a little hyper-sensitive to these little hairs. Seriously I can spot one across the room. It's like 'Spidey Sense' but a lot more useless. It then slowly became clear to me that the right thing to do was not to 'let her have it' and demand she account for all her hair, but for me to serve her by vacuuming and cleaning the drains, shower, and sink. By doing this it not only helps mitigate the hairpocalypse but it creates an environment of loving service where she will be able to change. Ultimately we will be serving each other better the more we change and loving one another the way we were intended.
All of this is my way of saying that marriage is hard. It is a constant denial of the self and our own desires so that we can love and serve the other. No other model truly works as well. If we both focus on getting the other to do what we want, then nobody will be giving and we will both be left empty. But living with love and a heart geared towards service, while being so difficult, is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It helps my love for Jenny grow and helps me become more like the man I hope to be.